Thursday 18th February 2021

So, my counsellor told me starting a journal about my journey could be good for me.. She told me this two weeks ago. Procrastination is a major aspect of my life. Better late than never! Where to start is the main reason why I’ve put it off so long, I have so much to write about but it’s all so complicated. My life right now consists of daily CA meetings (cocaine anonymous), counselling sessions on Fridays, 3 hours a day/6days a week contact with my 9month old baby, monthly court for child care proceedings and not forgetting a whole lot of procrastination. How did I get here? You may see cocaine anonymous and assume that I’m a cocaine addict, which would be a fair assumption. Cocaine anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who have a desire to cease use of all mind altering substances, weed happened to be my substance of choice. I’ve learnt that drug specification doesn’t matter. All addicts brains work the same way. Addiction is like a black hole to oblivion. But there is a way out of that hole. Addiction is a disease, an allergic reaction to drugs/alcohol. Today I am 48days sober, a true miracle. I started smoking weed socially from the age of 15, from the first introduction to it though I remember just wanting more and more. I loved the feeling it gave me, the munchies and the giggles was a plus but most importantly it made the washing machine of thoughts on spin cycle in my head bearable and somehow made it stop. If I could of afforded it at that time I know for sure I would of been using everyday, a child of 15 is obviously not earning that much. But when the opportunity came to smoke it, no matter who it was that had it, I would take it because the craving had already begun. When I turned 16 I moved in with my boyfriend at that time along with his work friend. I was working part time as a kitchen assistant at a local nursing home. 16 and out of the way of my mum’s eyes, with a boyfriend who also liked to smoke weed it very quickly became a daily use. I would have one as soon as I woke up ensuring thay by the time it came time to go to work the high would of worn off . Then as soon as I got home there would be a joint waiting for me. Very quickly I realised I had a problem, as soon as the weed ran out my mood went with it, darkness until I knew I could get high again. The insanity of addiction. Getting sober and loving a weed free life never crossed my mind, my only thought was being a stoner for the rest of my life and figuring out a way to never run out. But in my 6years of active addiction that never became reality. A life without weed was unimaginable, what would I be then? A depressed mess who constantly craves that high,Everytime I ran out of weed that was what I turned into. I can tell you, a life without drugs can be amazing, it’s not getting through the day fighting cravings away forever being miserable. It’s not just good for the bank account but good for you! It took for my son to be removed from my care to hit rock bottom and accept that I needed help and couldn’t do it alone. I wish I could have stopped sooner but that isn’t my story and wishing that it could have been different only leads me to self pity and depression which doesn’t help me or anyone around me. This is where I shall leave this entry for tonight it’s now 00.47am 19th Feb, one of the things my counsellor also told me was that a good sleeping pattern would do me some good.. still working on that one. A few more days of procrastination before I give that a go! This journal has really helped me tonight and one day I hope that it will help someone else who may stumble across this page. There is hope and there is a solution out there. Goodnight X