Friday 19th February 2021

A new day a new journal entry, still no idea how to start these off. I guess I should start by writing what I didn’t get to write yesterday. Yesterday was the first appointment of our parenting assesment, ours meaning me and my son’s dad, my partner. It was super emotional for both of us, very drained by the end of it but I’m hopeful this assesment will shine a light on our love and care for our baby. I am so hoping to have him returned back home by the end of this year. It’s been almost 7months without him now. Writing about the circumstances around my baby being removed is very painful, it feels like it will only be met by judgement and i understand that, i just hate the thought of anyone thinking/believing we are bad parents. Allegations from the local authority/social services are enough than getting it from loads of other people that don’t know us enough to make an informed opinion. That is why this parenting assesment is so important to us. This is the time we can show who we are and what we are like as parents. Hopefully one day soon I will be able to write that in more detail but today isn’t that day. All I will say for now is if you’re in a position where you have allegations against you that you know for sure you haven’t done, make sure you stand tall and continue to speak your truth. Sometimes it’s very hard to read allegations without thinking ‘i must be a terrible parent’ but only you know who you are so keep standing tall for you and your baby. Today I am 49 days sober. 11 days away from my 60day keyring, something i never thought i’d be able to reach is right there in my sights now. I’m on step 4 of 12 and I’ve very nearly finished it, my plan is to have it done by tomorrow CA has truly changed my life and I can never tell you how greatful I am. All I can do is get through the steps and pass on the message to other addicts that want to be free of addiction. In my almost 2months of being in this fellowship I have seen so many people come and go, those that are sat in the middle of the fence because they don’t know how to fully put faith in the programme, a painful place to be. I wish I could wave a magic wand and help everyone but that unfortunately won’t ever be a reality.. well maybe one day. All I can do s get well and help people that really want to put their faith in the program. I’ve become close with a with a girl in the programme who’s sat in the fence and I truly hope one she jumps off the fence and on the wagon of recovery. One day I hope! I don’t get to see my baby tomorrow, Saturday is the one day of the week with no contact. I always try to be productive, that’s not always the way it turns out though.. hardly ever to tell you the truth. That lack of motivation and and major procrastination over rules every time, tomorrow I hope to write about how clean and sparkly my flat it. It’s now 23.17pm, I really need to have a shower.. it’s been 4 or 5 days since my last one. Partly because the shower broke two days ago but it got fixed yesterday so I lost my excuse then. Lack of motivation and and procrastination rears its head in every aspect of my life, the only exception.. my son. I have complete motivation to get him back home. I am trying to better myself one day at a time and first thing on my list was getting sober. Time to start another item on the list of bettering myself. So…. Shower, cup of tea and sleep before 01.30am! It’s now 23.26pm… 2hours .. do able! Shall let you know how it all goes tomorrow, Goodnight X