So yesterday I wanted to be showered and trying to sleep by 01.30am.. I almost made that target, my head was on the pillow by 01.38am. Only 8 minutes, so can’t complain! I also planned to tell you about how clean and sparkly my flat is.. I only managed the kitchen today but atleast 1 room is fully clean so far, not a half arsed effort either like it usually is. I achieved completing my step 4 too! Now for step 5,6 and 7 which my sponsor said we could get done in one day, no date set yet but will for sure be one day next week. I can’t wait.
All in all I’m mostly happy with what I’ve achieved today, no matter how much my brain says I should have done more cleaning. It’s the best I’ve done in a long time. Someone said that our thoughts are third party, who ever’s up there controlling my thoughts is a d**k! It makes the thoughts easier to ignore knowing that.
It’s Kurt Cobain’s birthday today too, so happy birthday up there! Plenty of nirvana has been blared today, I always say nirvana and Alice in chains always lifted me from a depressive state, them and alot of weed! It’s crazy to see how far I’ve come since then.
50 days sober today! I seriously can’t believe I’ve made it this far. I haven’t touched it since 23.59pm 31st December. I smoked as much as I could get in me until it turned midnight 1st January. I thought when I first went to CA that I would learn to just be able to be an occasional weed smoker and quickly learnt that it’s a programme of complete abstinence.. never touching it again because if I ever did touch it again I would revert back to old ways and back in active addiction. Deep down I know it’s true. It’s difficult feeling the feelings of anxiety and depression without self medicating and taking it away the only way I knew how but those feelings don’t last forever and I have so many people now that I can call when times get tough, people that truly care, it’s hard to get used to!
Anger and anxiety greeted me this evening, the upstairs neighbors have a party every Saturday, tonight they seemed even louder than usual. Quite annoying because we’re in a lockdown due to covid-19 and they don’t seem to care about it at all. I couldn’t focus on the zoom CA meeting because all I could hear was people stomping and music blaring.. and really bad singing. I spoke to my sponsor for a bit after the meeting, talking to her always manages to bring me back down to earth. After speaking to her I spoke to another girl I’m close to in the fellowship, we talked about a load of random crap, the differences in slang, she lives in New York! Who knew they call cigarettes bogeys over there as slang. She was equally surprised to hear we call them fags here, I now know if I am ever to go there not to ask someone where I can buy fags from… Amusing! During the phonecall there was bangs on the bedroom window, the police came to shut down the party upstairs, whoever called them.. thankyou! I didn’t have the balls to do it myself. I always get such bad anxiety when I see the police even though I know I haven’t done anything wrong. I’m the same when out shopping, I always feel as if people are watching me thinking I’m shoplifting, something I’ve never done and never would do. Anxiety is a bitch. I called my friend back after the police showed up and we talked a bit more before I made dinner. She lifted me out of a bad place tonight. I hope one day she’ll be able to call me when she has those feelings, I really want to be there to help her too.
I get to see my baby tomorrow! I’ve missed him alot today.saturdays are hard to get through without him. I see him at 11.30am and it’s currently 01.48am so I should probably stop writing for tonight, still have my gratitude and nightly inventory to do before I can sleep. Something I haven’t done for a few days now. I shouldn’t skip another night. Goodnight X
Recovery&me 