So.. Monday. You’ve been a draining one. Court this morning at 10am, thankfully because of covid so far all hearings have been remote (via phonecall) so I haven’t had to step foot into a court room yet, I can wait for that day. Today was the first hearing for us since quitting weed and it was hard listening to it without being stoned. I asked the barrister to tell the court and all parties that I have quit smoking weed and engaging with CA and substance to solution to maintain my sobriety and that also I’m aware I should have done it sooner. I’m relieved that the judges response was ‘better late than never’ he seems like a fair judge so far, I hope he can see the truth in what we’re saying. Next court date is Thursday but we don’t have to attend that one, one of the people filing a report for the hearing hasn’t handed it in and it’s super late so that hearing is, as my barrister put it ‘to give him a bollocking and see what the hell he’s doing’ so the next hearing I have to attend is the 6th of march.
Straight after the hearing we got dressed to go and see our baby, he was asleep when we got there… Typical! Was super tempted to wake him up for that cuddle we didn’t want to be patient for.. however we was patient. It was a lovely visit and he instantly reminds me why I need to continue to be strong and keep my head in this 12step programme.
After getting home from seeing our baby I managed to relax for a little while before my substance to solution appointment, that went well. My keyworker is a very lovely lady. It’s a good feeling to be able to say I’m still sober rather than justifying my using like I used to.
After that appointment I did my step 5 with my sponsor, it was a long 3 hours. Telling someone else all of the resentments I’ve built up over the years, all the people I’d hurt over the years and all of the things that I’m afraid of. I over thought it too much and it wasn’t as scary and uncomfortable as I thought it was going to be. Doing step 6 and 7 tomorrow, I so can’t wait to be on step 12! I look forward to being able to sponsor other addicts, I hope I’ll be a good one.
Logged onto my nightly CA meeting and the person sharing was really good at the start but quickly turned to preach about god – a resentment of mine. I will admit, at the start of my CA journey I spent way too much time worrying about that word. I felt like there was no way I’ll fully be able to grasp the programme if god is my way out. Now I’ve come to terms that it has to be a higher power, I don’t have to call it god. I still find it hard to listen to the people that don’t think you can do this programme without god however I’m at a point where I accept that people use god as their higher power, I’m getting there.
If someone is reading this that struggles with addiction and is an atheist too, there is a way out for you too!
10.30am tomorrow seeing my baby, 2.00pm parenting assesment appointment followed with steps 6 and 7. I shall update you on all of that tomorrow.
I’m starting to love this journalling stuff!
Goodnight X
Recovery&me 