Sunday! I got to see my baby boy today and a lovely visit it was. Always greeted with a smile when he sees us, it makes my soul happy. He’s obsessed with hoody strings at the minute, forever putting them in his mouth, soggy strings aren’t the nicest lol. I can’t wait for the day I get to wake up to him and get him to sleep at night, that day will be the most precious day of my life.
I managed to only snooze two alarms this morning instead of all of them, so I was awake with enough time to have breakfast and a cup of tea before getting ready to see my baby, small triumphs!
My barrister sent me a text today to see how I’m doing in regards to weed, whether I’m maintaining abstinence. It felt so good to say that I’m still sober. With that text it bought along with it the anxiety, I forgot I had court tomorrow. I reached out to a good friend in the fellowship, he’s always been there for me since the start of my recovery. Something he said today i took the wrong way. As addicts we can be abusive in the madness of active addiction we used to live in. I knew he wasn’t implying that I’ve been abusive to my son but it feels like that’s exactly what social services thinks of us, because we struggled with addiction it means we’re abusive people. The truth is my son born during a national lockdown with the COVID-19 pandemic. All health professionals panicked including midwife’s and health visitors. The normal support new parents get, we had none of that. No parenting class before our baby was born, no health visitor staying to talk when coming to weigh our baby, no family or friends able to help us out because social distancing. We seriously was neglected and left to learn how to be new parents during a very scary time, they don’t seem to take that into consideration. Yes we’re young parents in early 20’s, Yes we struggled with addiction but NO we’re not abusive parents. I’m doing what I can to change the addict part and I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come so far.
I haven’t managed to be super productive today, I have managed to clean half of the bathroom, kept on top of the kitchen and wash a load of clothes.. not too bad but not the best either.
Tomorrows plans are court at 10.00am then after go see my baby. 4.30pm appointment with substance to solution and then I’m doing step 5 with my sponsor so I shall try to get the bathroom finished today also.
That’s all I’ve got for today, feeling super drained and anxious. We’ll see how court goes tomorrow. Keeping positive is hard sometimes, my boy needs me though and I’m not going to give up, he’s coming home one day.
Goodnight X
Recovery&me 