Ugh Tuesday, you’ve been a hard one. I was supposed to be at my mum’s for half 10 this morning, I woke up at half 10. I thought the parenting assesment was at 2pm but it was at 1pm so I had to see my baby at 3.15pm instead. I could hear the pissed off-ness in my mum’s voice when I rang her to tell her, I didn’t get pissy back like I usually would.. however inwardly I was pissed off. I’m human and make mistakes. My mum’s partner worked a 24hiur shift the night before which is why my mum wanted me there earlier rather than later. I understand that, I wish I woke up on time, however even if I did get there early it would of meant I would only get 2hours with my baby. I was fully expecting her to be in a pissed off mood when we finally got there. I’m not sure whether it was my asking of the universe for strength, tolerance and kindness on the way.. she wasnt pissed off – or didn’t make it obvious anyway.
The parenting assesment went ok, I think. Kicking myself over one question my mind conveniently blanked the answer to, of course the second I came off the phone the answer pinged into my brain.. Diabetes! Oh well.
This evening I continued my step work with my sponsor. I’m now on step 9! Making amends with the people I’ve hurt. I’ve made one amends this evening, my best friend. I wrote her a message through messenger as I don’t have her number, In hindsight I should of asked for her number so that I could call her instead. My brain didn’t work in that moment to think of that at the time. I think I just wanted to get the amends done as quick as possible as it’s very uncomfortable to sit on something I feel so shit about doing. She read it immediately and hasn’t replied, now I feel even more shit. Worrying about what’s going through her head, I don’t like feeling as if I’ve hurt her more by bringing it up. I’ve spoken to my sponsor and she told me to pack it in, amends aren’t done to make more worry’s, this is to clean my side of the street. Hopefully I’ll hear from her soon, until then I breathe and ask the universe to give me strength to carry on with the next amends. My mum, her partner and my partner to go. I’ve put off the amends with my partner tonight as he’s been in such a shitty mood making him blunt and not a joy to be around – I’ve added the resentment to my nightly inventory š
During writing this I’ve thought of another person that I’ve probably hurt, my cousin. At the beginning of the child care proceedings social services wanted a list of people I would want them to assess to look after my boy whilst he couldn’t be with me, I asked my cousin and she was willing so I passed on her details to social services. A day or two later she sent a message to say that she couldn’t do it, I didn’t reply to her messages after that. I was selfish and inconsiderate of how it would affect her, another amends added to the list.
Tomorrow I plan to make the amends with my mum and her partner, if she’s not at work that is. Tonight I shall make amends with my partner, this journal helps me see my shit!
I just sent my cousin a message, I hope to hear back from her at some point. I’ve done my part in saying sorry, I can’t do anything else.
Checked my phone and it was 23.23, I’m super into angel numbers. I just looked up what the meaning behind that number sequence.. ‘The angel number 23.23 brings the message that your prayers are being heard and your requests are being answered, when you keep seeing 23.23 your guardian angels are communicating that things will be coming together for you very soon, you just need to look forward with hope and happiness!’ I so hope this relates to getting my boy back home, the messages give me hope.
My cousin replied and was understanding as to why I reacted that way. I’m glad to be able to move past that.
Step 10 is in my sights! I truly look forward (and scared) to be on step 12, to be able to help fellow addicts.
I shall leave it there tonight. More updates to come tomorrow.
Goodnight X
Recovery&me 