Today has been a good day!
I heard back from my best friend, aaand breathe! She told me it’s really okay and the conversation moved to catching up soon. I can’t wait for this lockdown to end/ease so I can see her. I also did my amends with my partner last night, all behind us now. Today at contact I did my amends with my mum and her partner, I cried, mum cried and all is behind us. I was going to put the amends off for another day as during contact they was getting stressed as social services want alot of in deph information and specific dates of which my mum’s partner can’t fully remember. In turn their mood was getting me down and stressed. I went out for a cigarette to ring me sponsor, as always she bought me back down to earth. I CANT CONTROL OTHERS ACTIONS, I CAN ONLY CONTROL THE WAY I REACT. I need to replay this in my head several times a day. I took a deep breath before going back in and made sure I was reacting by not letting the situation affect my mood – it doesn’t help matters. After making the amends their moods changed. My amends to my son will be a living one, never going back to weed and proving to the court I can be a good mum to him and care for him, I don’t plan on stopping until I can get him back home!
Time with my baby today was lovely as always, he’s such a cheeky boy with the most infectious laugh and smile. Sometimes he looks at me as if I’m a mad woman, he wouldn’t be wrong with that one. He’s also perfected the art of the resting bitch face, just like me and his dad, of course! I can’t wait for the part of the parenting assesment that we stay at a residential place with our boy for a full 72hours to care for him. It’s going to be a super hard when that comes to an end but thinking about the future doesn’t help me today. 1 day at a time, when that day comes I shall deal with it then.
After contact I came home, was productive and did the washing up. I’m the master of waiting for it all to build up till there’s nothing left in the cupboards to use.. not a good habit to get into, it’s a work in progress and I’m getting there. I still have the bathroom to finish, living room and bedroom to clean. I’m going to get the kitchen done after writing tonight. Tomorrow I plan on finishing the bathroom and making a start on the living room. I really need to have a shower tonight too.
I also did more step work with my sponsor this evening, now I’m on the final step! Carry the message to other alcoholics and addicts! A super daunting thing! I’m greatful my sponsor isn’t rushing me into sponsoring anyone just yet, I have a lot of self doubt. I so want to help others but I’m terrified I won’t do it right. All I can do is show those that are willing how I’ve learnt and my experience, hopefully in turn it will help them to have their own experience with the work. I feel like I want to wait until I’m 90 days clean so I’m not a ‘newcomer’ anymore. 6 days away from my 60 day chip. 36 days to go until 90days, during that time I shall make sure I keep practicing what I’ve learnt in my journey so I can be of better help to those that would like me to help them.. if anyone wants me to help them, HA! I shall continue to reach out and be of service by supporting newcomers too in that time.
I should really stop writing now, cat litter needs changing, kitchen needs a quick tidy and I need to shower, it’s now 23.16pm.. nothing like leaving everything until last minute. I hope to be in bed chilling with a cup of tea by 1am.
I shall say goodnight now and update you on my day tomorrow night.
Goodnight! X
Recovery&me 