Author Archives: Sharpnado_

Ugh Tuesday, you’ve been a hard one. I was supposed to be at my mum’s for half 10 this morning, I woke up at half 10. I thought the parenting assesment was at 2pm but it was at 1pm so I had to see my baby at 3.15pm instead. I could hear the pissed off-ness in my mum’s voice when I rang her to tell her, I didn’t get pissy back like I usually would.. however inwardly I was pissed off. I’m human and make mistakes. My mum’s partner worked a 24hiur shift the night before which is why my mum wanted me there earlier rather than later. I understand that, I wish I woke up on time, however even if I did get there early it would of meant I would only get 2hours with my baby. I was fully expecting her to be in a pissed off mood when we finally got there. I’m not sure whether it was my asking of the universe for strength, tolerance and kindness on the way.. she wasnt pissed off – or didn’t make it obvious anyway.

The parenting assesment went ok, I think. Kicking myself over one question my mind conveniently blanked the answer to, of course the second I came off the phone the answer pinged into my brain.. Diabetes! Oh well.

This evening I continued my step work with my sponsor. I’m now on step 9! Making amends with the people I’ve hurt. I’ve made one amends this evening, my best friend. I wrote her a message through messenger as I don’t have her number, In hindsight I should of asked for her number so that I could call her instead. My brain didn’t work in that moment to think of that at the time. I think I just wanted to get the amends done as quick as possible as it’s very uncomfortable to sit on something I feel so shit about doing. She read it immediately and hasn’t replied, now I feel even more shit. Worrying about what’s going through her head, I don’t like feeling as if I’ve hurt her more by bringing it up. I’ve spoken to my sponsor and she told me to pack it in, amends aren’t done to make more worry’s, this is to clean my side of the street. Hopefully I’ll hear from her soon, until then I breathe and ask the universe to give me strength to carry on with the next amends. My mum, her partner and my partner to go. I’ve put off the amends with my partner tonight as he’s been in such a shitty mood making him blunt and not a joy to be around – I’ve added the resentment to my nightly inventory 😛

During writing this I’ve thought of another person that I’ve probably hurt, my cousin. At the beginning of the child care proceedings social services wanted a list of people I would want them to assess to look after my boy whilst he couldn’t be with me, I asked my cousin and she was willing so I passed on her details to social services. A day or two later she sent a message to say that she couldn’t do it, I didn’t reply to her messages after that. I was selfish and inconsiderate of how it would affect her, another amends added to the list.

Tomorrow I plan to make the amends with my mum and her partner, if she’s not at work that is. Tonight I shall make amends with my partner, this journal helps me see my shit!

I just sent my cousin a message, I hope to hear back from her at some point. I’ve done my part in saying sorry, I can’t do anything else.

Checked my phone and it was 23.23, I’m super into angel numbers. I just looked up what the meaning behind that number sequence.. ‘The angel number 23.23 brings the message that your prayers are being heard and your requests are being answered, when you keep seeing 23.23 your guardian angels are communicating that things will be coming together for you very soon, you just need to look forward with hope and happiness!’ I so hope this relates to getting my boy back home, the messages give me hope.

My cousin replied and was understanding as to why I reacted that way. I’m glad to be able to move past that.

Step 10 is in my sights! I truly look forward (and scared) to be on step 12, to be able to help fellow addicts.

I shall leave it there tonight. More updates to come tomorrow.

Goodnight X

So.. Monday. You’ve been a draining one. Court this morning at 10am, thankfully because of covid so far all hearings have been remote (via phonecall) so I haven’t had to step foot into a court room yet, I can wait for that day. Today was the first hearing for us since quitting weed and it was hard listening to it without being stoned. I asked the barrister to tell the court and all parties that I have quit smoking weed and engaging with CA and substance to solution to maintain my sobriety and that also I’m aware I should have done it sooner. I’m relieved that the judges response was ‘better late than never’ he seems like a fair judge so far, I hope he can see the truth in what we’re saying. Next court date is Thursday but we don’t have to attend that one, one of the people filing a report for the hearing hasn’t handed it in and it’s super late so that hearing is, as my barrister put it ‘to give him a bollocking and see what the hell he’s doing’ so the next hearing I have to attend is the 6th of march.

Straight after the hearing we got dressed to go and see our baby, he was asleep when we got there… Typical! Was super tempted to wake him up for that cuddle we didn’t want to be patient for.. however we was patient. It was a lovely visit and he instantly reminds me why I need to continue to be strong and keep my head in this 12step programme.

After getting home from seeing our baby I managed to relax for a little while before my substance to solution appointment, that went well. My keyworker is a very lovely lady. It’s a good feeling to be able to say I’m still sober rather than justifying my using like I used to.

After that appointment I did my step 5 with my sponsor, it was a long 3 hours. Telling someone else all of the resentments I’ve built up over the years, all the people I’d hurt over the years and all of the things that I’m afraid of. I over thought it too much and it wasn’t as scary and uncomfortable as I thought it was going to be. Doing step 6 and 7 tomorrow, I so can’t wait to be on step 12! I look forward to being able to sponsor other addicts, I hope I’ll be a good one.

Logged onto my nightly CA meeting and the person sharing was really good at the start but quickly turned to preach about god – a resentment of mine. I will admit, at the start of my CA journey I spent way too much time worrying about that word. I felt like there was no way I’ll fully be able to grasp the programme if god is my way out. Now I’ve come to terms that it has to be a higher power, I don’t have to call it god. I still find it hard to listen to the people that don’t think you can do this programme without god however I’m at a point where I accept that people use god as their higher power, I’m getting there.

If someone is reading this that struggles with addiction and is an atheist too, there is a way out for you too!

10.30am tomorrow seeing my baby, 2.00pm parenting assesment appointment followed with steps 6 and 7. I shall update you on all of that tomorrow.

I’m starting to love this journalling stuff!

Goodnight X

Sunday! I got to see my baby boy today and a lovely visit it was. Always greeted with a smile when he sees us, it makes my soul happy. He’s obsessed with hoody strings at the minute, forever putting them in his mouth, soggy strings aren’t the nicest lol. I can’t wait for the day I get to wake up to him and get him to sleep at night, that day will be the most precious day of my life.

I managed to only snooze two alarms this morning instead of all of them, so I was awake with enough time to have breakfast and a cup of tea before getting ready to see my baby, small triumphs!

My barrister sent me a text today to see how I’m doing in regards to weed, whether I’m maintaining abstinence. It felt so good to say that I’m still sober. With that text it bought along with it the anxiety, I forgot I had court tomorrow. I reached out to a good friend in the fellowship, he’s always been there for me since the start of my recovery. Something he said today i took the wrong way. As addicts we can be abusive in the madness of active addiction we used to live in. I knew he wasn’t implying that I’ve been abusive to my son but it feels like that’s exactly what social services thinks of us, because we struggled with addiction it means we’re abusive people. The truth is my son born during a national lockdown with the COVID-19 pandemic. All health professionals panicked including midwife’s and health visitors. The normal support new parents get, we had none of that. No parenting class before our baby was born, no health visitor staying to talk when coming to weigh our baby, no family or friends able to help us out because social distancing. We seriously was neglected and left to learn how to be new parents during a very scary time, they don’t seem to take that into consideration. Yes we’re young parents in early 20’s, Yes we struggled with addiction but NO we’re not abusive parents. I’m doing what I can to change the addict part and I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come so far.

I haven’t managed to be super productive today, I have managed to clean half of the bathroom, kept on top of the kitchen and wash a load of clothes.. not too bad but not the best either.

Tomorrows plans are court at 10.00am then after go see my baby. 4.30pm appointment with substance to solution and then I’m doing step 5 with my sponsor so I shall try to get the bathroom finished today also.

That’s all I’ve got for today, feeling super drained and anxious. We’ll see how court goes tomorrow. Keeping positive is hard sometimes, my boy needs me though and I’m not going to give up, he’s coming home one day.

Goodnight X

So yesterday I wanted to be showered and trying to sleep by 01.30am.. I almost made that target, my head was on the pillow by 01.38am. Only 8 minutes, so can’t complain! I also planned to tell you about how clean and sparkly my flat is.. I only managed the kitchen today but atleast 1 room is fully clean so far, not a half arsed effort either like it usually is. I achieved completing my step 4 too! Now for step 5,6 and 7 which my sponsor said we could get done in one day, no date set yet but will for sure be one day next week. I can’t wait.

All in all I’m mostly happy with what I’ve achieved today, no matter how much my brain says I should have done more cleaning. It’s the best I’ve done in a long time. Someone said that our thoughts are third party, who ever’s up there controlling my thoughts is a d**k! It makes the thoughts easier to ignore knowing that.

It’s Kurt Cobain’s birthday today too, so happy birthday up there! Plenty of nirvana has been blared today, I always say nirvana and Alice in chains always lifted me from a depressive state, them and alot of weed! It’s crazy to see how far I’ve come since then.

50 days sober today! I seriously can’t believe I’ve made it this far. I haven’t touched it since 23.59pm 31st December. I smoked as much as I could get in me until it turned midnight 1st January. I thought when I first went to CA that I would learn to just be able to be an occasional weed smoker and quickly learnt that it’s a programme of complete abstinence.. never touching it again because if I ever did touch it again I would revert back to old ways and back in active addiction. Deep down I know it’s true. It’s difficult feeling the feelings of anxiety and depression without self medicating and taking it away the only way I knew how but those feelings don’t last forever and I have so many people now that I can call when times get tough, people that truly care, it’s hard to get used to!

Anger and anxiety greeted me this evening, the upstairs neighbors have a party every Saturday, tonight they seemed even louder than usual. Quite annoying because we’re in a lockdown due to covid-19 and they don’t seem to care about it at all. I couldn’t focus on the zoom CA meeting because all I could hear was people stomping and music blaring.. and really bad singing. I spoke to my sponsor for a bit after the meeting, talking to her always manages to bring me back down to earth. After speaking to her I spoke to another girl I’m close to in the fellowship, we talked about a load of random crap, the differences in slang, she lives in New York! Who knew they call cigarettes bogeys over there as slang. She was equally surprised to hear we call them fags here, I now know if I am ever to go there not to ask someone where I can buy fags from… Amusing! During the phonecall there was bangs on the bedroom window, the police came to shut down the party upstairs, whoever called them.. thankyou! I didn’t have the balls to do it myself. I always get such bad anxiety when I see the police even though I know I haven’t done anything wrong. I’m the same when out shopping, I always feel as if people are watching me thinking I’m shoplifting, something I’ve never done and never would do. Anxiety is a bitch. I called my friend back after the police showed up and we talked a bit more before I made dinner. She lifted me out of a bad place tonight. I hope one day she’ll be able to call me when she has those feelings, I really want to be there to help her too.

I get to see my baby tomorrow! I’ve missed him alot today.saturdays are hard to get through without him. I see him at 11.30am and it’s currently 01.48am so I should probably stop writing for tonight, still have my gratitude and nightly inventory to do before I can sleep. Something I haven’t done for a few days now. I shouldn’t skip another night. Goodnight X

A new day a new journal entry, still no idea how to start these off. I guess I should start by writing what I didn’t get to write yesterday. Yesterday was the first appointment of our parenting assesment, ours meaning me and my son’s dad, my partner. It was super emotional for both of us, very drained by the end of it but I’m hopeful this assesment will shine a light on our love and care for our baby. I am so hoping to have him returned back home by the end of this year. It’s been almost 7months without him now. Writing about the circumstances around my baby being removed is very painful, it feels like it will only be met by judgement and i understand that, i just hate the thought of anyone thinking/believing we are bad parents. Allegations from the local authority/social services are enough than getting it from loads of other people that don’t know us enough to make an informed opinion. That is why this parenting assesment is so important to us. This is the time we can show who we are and what we are like as parents. Hopefully one day soon I will be able to write that in more detail but today isn’t that day. All I will say for now is if you’re in a position where you have allegations against you that you know for sure you haven’t done, make sure you stand tall and continue to speak your truth. Sometimes it’s very hard to read allegations without thinking ‘i must be a terrible parent’ but only you know who you are so keep standing tall for you and your baby. Today I am 49 days sober. 11 days away from my 60day keyring, something i never thought i’d be able to reach is right there in my sights now. I’m on step 4 of 12 and I’ve very nearly finished it, my plan is to have it done by tomorrow CA has truly changed my life and I can never tell you how greatful I am. All I can do is get through the steps and pass on the message to other addicts that want to be free of addiction. In my almost 2months of being in this fellowship I have seen so many people come and go, those that are sat in the middle of the fence because they don’t know how to fully put faith in the programme, a painful place to be. I wish I could wave a magic wand and help everyone but that unfortunately won’t ever be a reality.. well maybe one day. All I can do s get well and help people that really want to put their faith in the program. I’ve become close with a with a girl in the programme who’s sat in the fence and I truly hope one she jumps off the fence and on the wagon of recovery. One day I hope! I don’t get to see my baby tomorrow, Saturday is the one day of the week with no contact. I always try to be productive, that’s not always the way it turns out though.. hardly ever to tell you the truth. That lack of motivation and and major procrastination over rules every time, tomorrow I hope to write about how clean and sparkly my flat it. It’s now 23.17pm, I really need to have a shower.. it’s been 4 or 5 days since my last one. Partly because the shower broke two days ago but it got fixed yesterday so I lost my excuse then. Lack of motivation and and procrastination rears its head in every aspect of my life, the only exception.. my son. I have complete motivation to get him back home. I am trying to better myself one day at a time and first thing on my list was getting sober. Time to start another item on the list of bettering myself. So…. Shower, cup of tea and sleep before 01.30am! It’s now 23.26pm… 2hours .. do able! Shall let you know how it all goes tomorrow, Goodnight X

So, my counsellor told me starting a journal about my journey could be good for me.. She told me this two weeks ago. Procrastination is a major aspect of my life. Better late than never! Where to start is the main reason why I’ve put it off so long, I have so much to write about but it’s all so complicated. My life right now consists of daily CA meetings (cocaine anonymous), counselling sessions on Fridays, 3 hours a day/6days a week contact with my 9month old baby, monthly court for child care proceedings and not forgetting a whole lot of procrastination. How did I get here? You may see cocaine anonymous and assume that I’m a cocaine addict, which would be a fair assumption. Cocaine anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who have a desire to cease use of all mind altering substances, weed happened to be my substance of choice. I’ve learnt that drug specification doesn’t matter. All addicts brains work the same way. Addiction is like a black hole to oblivion. But there is a way out of that hole. Addiction is a disease, an allergic reaction to drugs/alcohol. Today I am 48days sober, a true miracle. I started smoking weed socially from the age of 15, from the first introduction to it though I remember just wanting more and more. I loved the feeling it gave me, the munchies and the giggles was a plus but most importantly it made the washing machine of thoughts on spin cycle in my head bearable and somehow made it stop. If I could of afforded it at that time I know for sure I would of been using everyday, a child of 15 is obviously not earning that much. But when the opportunity came to smoke it, no matter who it was that had it, I would take it because the craving had already begun. When I turned 16 I moved in with my boyfriend at that time along with his work friend. I was working part time as a kitchen assistant at a local nursing home. 16 and out of the way of my mum’s eyes, with a boyfriend who also liked to smoke weed it very quickly became a daily use. I would have one as soon as I woke up ensuring thay by the time it came time to go to work the high would of worn off . Then as soon as I got home there would be a joint waiting for me. Very quickly I realised I had a problem, as soon as the weed ran out my mood went with it, darkness until I knew I could get high again. The insanity of addiction. Getting sober and loving a weed free life never crossed my mind, my only thought was being a stoner for the rest of my life and figuring out a way to never run out. But in my 6years of active addiction that never became reality. A life without weed was unimaginable, what would I be then? A depressed mess who constantly craves that high,Everytime I ran out of weed that was what I turned into. I can tell you, a life without drugs can be amazing, it’s not getting through the day fighting cravings away forever being miserable. It’s not just good for the bank account but good for you! It took for my son to be removed from my care to hit rock bottom and accept that I needed help and couldn’t do it alone. I wish I could have stopped sooner but that isn’t my story and wishing that it could have been different only leads me to self pity and depression which doesn’t help me or anyone around me. This is where I shall leave this entry for tonight it’s now 00.47am 19th Feb, one of the things my counsellor also told me was that a good sleeping pattern would do me some good.. still working on that one. A few more days of procrastination before I give that a go! This journal has really helped me tonight and one day I hope that it will help someone else who may stumble across this page. There is hope and there is a solution out there. Goodnight X